First off let me say something that may stun many. Paris Hilton is NOT the worst thing about this movie. Yes, I know, that was the thoughts of millions of horror fans when they learned that she was going to be making a movie that used the title of a beloved Vincent Price flick. Well, I hate to disappoint but she is not bad for being essentially a non actor. The same can not be said of the rest of the cast….of the director…of the screenwriters…..of the…oh the list is endless!

The movie itself begins like any old horror flick from the seventies on, a group of teens heading out to the big game. En route, they stop off to have some fun, to camp out and to fool around. During the night they smell something terrible but have no clue what it is. They are also set upon by a mysterious truck that shines its lights on them but ignores their calls. One broken headlight later and they truck leaves.

The characters are cardboard cut out. Our heroine is Carly Jones (Elisha Cuthbert), the good girl of twins. Offsetting her is her brother Nick (Chad Michael Murray), the bad one. Nick has problems and has always gotten into a jam blaming everyone for his mishaps but himself. Carly’s boyfriend is Wade (Jared Padalecki), pretty much non-descript accept for an overactive sense of being nosey. Another couple in Blake (Robert Ric’hard) the horny sports fan and his date, Carly’s best friend, Paige (Paris Hilton) the obliging horn dog, is along as well. Nick’s friend Dalton (Jon Abrahams), the goofy one of the group rounds out the home team.

After a night where nothing happens save for Dalton’s camcorder being stolen, they get ready to leave the next morning only to discover that Wade’s car has a broken fan belt. What are the odds? Carly and Paige smell the odor again and go in search of an answer to what it is. Sliding down a hill, Carly lands in a heap of dead carcasses. Along comes a stereotypical redneck (missing teeth, dirty, silly grin) who agrees to help Wade and Carly get into town for a fan belt while the rest head for the big game. Eventually this group turns around when heavy traffic results in no way they’ll make the game.

Carly and Wade eventually ditch the hillbilly and head into town on their own. The town is small and quiet with no one in sight. Stepping into the church they find most of the townspeople inside for a funeral. One member, Bo (Brian Van Holt) exits to chastise them and he turns out to be the gas station owner. Planning to meet them at the station when the service ends, the duo go exploring the town, in particular it’s House of Wax. And this IS a house made entirely of wax, not just its occupants.

Spooked while there, they end up going back to the gas station and then up to Bo’s house where he says he keeps extra fan belts their size. Okay, if you’ve ever seen a single horror film you know that this house is going to be where things go bad. Too bad kids in horror films have never watched one before. Yes, Wade is attacked and Carly is as well by Bo. Escaping she calls Paige and Blake for help but they’re camped in the woods making out while Nick and Dalton are on their way to town.

Carly is captured, Wade is killed and when Nick and Dalton arrive to find no one in town, they head for the gas station. Beneath the station floor Carly is tied up by Bo who then pulls a nasty trick with super glue (one of the true cringe inducing moments in the film). He sets out to put an end to Nick’s search.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this the story of twins who were raised in town is brought up, twins whose mother began the House of Wax and whose father was a disgraced doctor who set up shop in this small town when things went bad in the big city. One of the brothers was artistic, his names are on all pieces in the House, and the other little is known about. Okay, back to the story.

If you can’t figure out who is who, who is going to turn out to be whom or what is actually going on, then you’ve not seen a horror film in the past 30 years. The plotlines are far too obvious, who the bad guys are is flagrantly visible and the ending is so predictable that you may groan out loud when it is presented.

The one saving grace of this film is the photography. The film itself looks very well made. But the lack of scares, of original story or of any acting that stands out makes it one movie that’s not worth wasting your time seeing.

My son, a television horror host, has attempted to convince me that Dark Castle films have not lived up to expectations. I state that 13 GHOSTS was good, HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL was acceptable and that GHOST SHIP turned out okay. Yeah GOTHIKA was a disappointment. His view (and that of many die hard horror fans) is that they are not only dropping horror films to a new low but they are desecrating the names of classics of horror in the process. I’ve got to say with this one he is totally correct. Bypass it completely and find a video store that has the original with the REAL Vincent, Mr. Price, who may be at this moment turning in his grave.